“Marriage isn’t the honeymoon in Thailand—it’s day four of vacation #56 that you take together. Marriage is not celebrating the closing of the deal on the first house—it’s having dinner in that house for the 4,386th time. And it’s certainly not Valentine’s Day.
Marriage is Forgettable Wednesday. Together.” - Tim Urban
While taking refuge in a bunker on a terribly windy day of hiking off the coast of California, my three friends and I stumbled upon (what I think are) the only four boxes you need to check when looking for a life partner.
In no particular order, here they are:
1. A deep, quiet sense of trust
You need to know, in your bones, that this is a good person. You need to trust they will do right by you and the people around them - whether you’re standing right next to them or a thousand miles away.
It isn't about monitoring their moves; it’s about a fundamental belief in their character. You don’t want to spend 50 years second-guessing the person in the other chair.
2. A “traffic test” friendship
A relationship is just a lifelong conversation.
A "Traffic Test" person is someone so fun to talk to that, when you're stuck in a car with them, you actually wish for traffic. You want the delay just to keep the convo going.
These people are rare.
If your partner doesn't pass this test, the relationship will eventually stale into silence.
3. Becoming a witness without a mask
The ultimate form of friendship is witness. It is the act of seeing someone in their total form (vulnerabilities, fears, and ugly parts) and choosing to stay. An unconditional acceptance that doesn't try to "fix" the other person.
This is the only path to a deep connection. It allows you both to exist as your true beings, with no mask.
4. A co-evolutionary loop
(s/o to Henrik Karlsson for the idea)
You can have the first three boxes checked, but if you don't have a feedback loop, the relationship will rot. You need a system where you are both on the same side of the whiteboard, looking at a problem together. You have to be able to sniff out the friction and call it out practically.
When you have that loop, the relationship doesn't just survive; it compounds. It gets better and more resilient with time.
Look, I’m only 23. I’ve only got a few relationships under my belt. But I’ve been fortunate enough to witness a few "Golden" marriages that have lasted decades, and each of them had these traits in spades.
So this is the playbook I’m rolling with. If you think I’m missing a piece of the puzzle, let me know. Having a good understanding of this is (as you might expect!) very important to me.
- L
P.S. - Tim Urban’s essay on this is REALLY GOOD too. Give it a read here.